Distance is just a test to see how far love can travel

Everybody has a special friend. Somebody who doesn't care about those judgements of others, somebody who's there for you in times of need and accept you for what you are.

But what if that special friend is more than thousand miles away from you ? Two continents and a big ocean between the other...
It's not easy. I can tell.

xoxo
EnVansinnigFlicka

Back from Antwerp

So I have found some shoes for my dress :D

 

I also made some pictures of myself and the city xD But not a lot because I was too busy with shopping :$

 

xoxo
EnVansinnigFlicka

Too bad I can't hug a memory

Hello beautiful world !

It's finally less warm, there is rain and the sun is also showing. I love this weather! Today I will be shopping in Antwerp since I have to go to a wedding next week. I already have a dress, stockings, but I still need to have shoes ^^

Oh darling, I wish we could be shopping together, drink some coffee afterwards, watching some cute boys and laugh with the most stupiest things. I would show you Antwerp and I would let you show my favotite places. Once I will do it in real life, I promise! But for now I will just take some pictures from the things I'll be doing today. And I will put them on my blog. For you.

Though the miles are separating us
You're not that far away
You're a memory in my heart
just...
Too bad that I can't hug a memory
                                  

 

< So I haven’t got your letter, I sure hope you got mine.
Though the mailman keeps saying
“girl you’re thinking way too hard.”
But he doesn’t know what I'm feeling now
without you around >

xoxo
EnVansinnigFlicka

Summer in the garden

xoxo
EnVansinnigFlicka

It's who I am

Hello blogreaders,

I had a very interesting talk with somebody yesterday. A talk about friendship and appreciating eachother. It's so important, but hard to do in this society. I notice it whenever I am in a public place, people can be very mean sometimes, without even having a good reason! Nowadays you have to fit in the picture, you can't really be yourself anymore. The first thing you see when you meet a person are the looks, but there is so much more behind those looks. People seem to forget that.
I have a lot of friends who are having a different culture, and sometimes they tell me how hard it is to be appreciated in this society. It's so sad.

I was also thinking about something else. A friend asked me if I ever get angry. To be honest, I actually never really do. He asked me if I even won't get angry if he would judge the things I do, the music I love etc.
Well, I won't get angry, I would be disappointed in him because he's a friend and he should appreciate me. He can judge me, but then he shouldn't let me know it. Or maybe he should, but it in a positive way.
After all : the beginning of friendship is appreciating the other

                                                  
xoxo
EnVansinnigFlicka

Sometimes I imagine
                     that you still remember me
and you're searching my face in the crowd
                     wherever you go

Sometimes I wish
                     that I'm the one you can't forget
and you're singing your songs
                     while I'm in your thoughts

Sometimes I dream
                     that we belong together
and you're trying to find me
                     to finally confess your love

Sometimes I hope
                     that you meant the word you've said
and that you're waiting for that day
                     to whisper it in my ear

Sometimes I know
                     that it doesn't make sense
and I'll wait forever if that's what it takes
                     to make you realise that I'm here

Hello again !

It was really warm yesterday, even at night it didn't seem to get any colder. It was impossible to sleep! I even wanted to take a sleepingbag and sleep in the garden! But considering the thieves walking around outside, I prefered to stay in my room. ( And after all I'm glad I didn't sleep outside because a few minutes after midnight, a flood of rain fell down and there was a lot of thunder.)

Next week it's going to be weird, because my working-schedule is everything but normal.
monday - working
tuesday - off
wendsday - working
thursday - off
friday - working
saturday, sunday - off

I also got my schedule for my vacation! I am having a vacation from july 25th until august 12th!
Tomorrow they will be working on the electricity in my city, so I won't be able to go on the internet. I guess I will update my blog the day afterwards.

Oh, don't forget to check my other blog http://stephaniexpoems.blogspot.com/
I will update it with some poems today !!!

xoxo
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My angel

The night was cold and the rain didn't stop falling down. The wind was playing hide and seek with the stars and the moon.

The city was dark. People were waiting.

An empty crowd was singing songs in front of a building.

Noboby expected a miracle to happen

But I swear that I saw an angel that night.

He was tall, his eyes were brown, and with his smile he lightened up my world. One moment I saw his soul shining through.

He was so close, I could almost touch him.

But there was a wall around him, to keep the world outside.

I saw his halo

I wish I could have set him free

One moment he whispered me a word. Seven letters in a row.

When I looked at him and smiled, something changed within his eyes

It went so fast, he had to leave. I wish I could have said something

He turned around and said goodbye.

leaving me behind, with only a few words

' I see you soon'

　

(And I'm still waiting for him to appear to me again)

　

                                            


xoxo
EnVansinnigFlicka

Hello everybody !

Yesterday was a good day :) I actually spent the whole day in front of a livestream to watch my idols performing. Afterwards I felt like I could face the whole wide world !

When I saw my idols, memories popped up in my head. Memories about my M&G with them, and what they said to me. It was one word, but I'll never forget it. It won't make sense to any of you, but I put a lot of strenght out of it. And actually it's thanks to them that I went to Sweden somehow and it's thanks to them that I met you...

It must feel like I'm stalking you, or that I'm obsessed with you, just because I write a lot of mails, letters and I even dedicated a blog to you. But our friendship was so intense and so pure, and I never want it to fade away. I know that it's going to be hard to ever meet again since we're both on the other side of the world. But we're going to make it happen somehow. I'm going to turn my whole world upside down if I have to. I never met any person who's so friendly, nice, warm... you have a beautiful soul. Our friendship is very valuable to me, and even despite the distance, it must be possible to keep it going on until forever :)

xoxo
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Dear world, please help me to understand you.

I feel a little bit weird. One of my best friends told me that she's pregnant. I am the only one that knows it, except her husband. I cried yesterday. I cried because I was really happy for her, but also because I also want it so badly. All my friends are getting forward in their life, but I feel like I'm stucked in time. I don't have anything, the only place where I really gained something, was in Sweden. But I am supposed to make my future here. Honey, you don't know how much I long back to the times we had together in Stockholm. I wish I could do it all again, to feel better for a while.

My parents aren't making it easier. I know they think that they are doing the right things, but they hurt me so much. Their words are sharp as knives. But I don't think they realise it.

Yesterday I had a conversation with my boss at work about my contract. And she really made me feel good. She told me that I was a nice person to work with, and that I have a huge feeling of responsability when it comes to my colleagues. And she told me that they trust me to teach other people and that I was good at it. They were so friendly, it's not of their habbit. And I felt so happy. They gave me a contract for a year, and afterwards they will turn it into a contract in which I can stay there as long as I can. It's good, I really need this work to compensate everything I go through at home.

Honey,
I hope to see you soon

xoxo
EnVansinnigFlicka

Could it be that I have found an angel ?
I can see heaven in your eyes...

Dear world !

What I'm going to tell you now is probably very strange. A year ago I had a date with a boy, and I was totally in love with him after that. I told him but he just laughed and I never heard anything of him anymore. Well, since a few months, there is a boy on my bus that looks just like him ! It could be his twin! Except the tattoo's, everything is the same ! He has piercings at the same place, he wears the same clothes and has the same hair, even the color of his eyes is the same. I don't know anything about this boy, the only thing I know is that he has a girlfriend. Everytime he's on my bus, my stomach starts to behave weird.

But the last period, he's not that often on my bus anymore :( And the last time I saw him was two weeks ago when he was rollerblading down a street. I was on my way to my grandmother and I was actually thinking about him ( the song : say it - eric saade, was playing on my mp3) I had a strange feeling and suddenly I saw him. He didn't see me. And that was good because I must have looked very weird xD

Well, whatever needs to happen will happen, isn't it ?

Today I went to work again, it was only 13 degrees outside ! Such a big difference with yesterday! It was nice at work. At home it was terrible, I came too late because I missed the bus, and my parents started to
make a scene.

Anyways,

Darling,
I love you

xoxo
EnVansinnigFlicka

How things can change in a blink of an eye...

I was thinking about Sweden again, and how much I miss everything there. In one moment, everything changed. It's how things go. And now there is an ocean between us, and more than thousand miles. I really hope that you're chasing your dreams and never give up the things that you love. I don't know what life is going to bring me, but I hope that you'll be on my path again. You've been an important person in my life, and I still think about everything we did when I feel down. It gives me the strenght to go on again, 'cause you gave me a taste of the beauty of life. And it's worth finding that beauty again

                                        

Today I went to work. It was nice after 4 days off. They appreciate me there, and it's such a nice feeling. It was also very warm today, 30°C! It was nice after having cold weather the last days. I don't really like the warmth but I love to see people walking down the streets with a smile on their face. I smile when it's winter though, but that's a different story xD
I'm not like the others, but I guess you already figured that out ! xD


Darling,
know that I love you
and I still think about you every day

xoxo
EnVansinnigFlicka

Hello dear world.

It was a heavy evening and sometimes I wish I was somebody else. 'Cause I seem to do everything wrong and I make people unhappy. Especially at home. I have a little brother who is 15 years younger than me, and I love playing with him, he has no judgements and he still sees the world as something beautiful to explore. But my mother doesn't like me hanging out with him. I don't understand why 'cause I'm his sister after all! But my mother punishes him whenever he plays with me. It breaks my heart because somehow she makes me feel like I'm not part of this family, like I'm a stranger. I know that my mother wants me to leave the house as soon as possible. She keeps on telling me every day. My little brother came to me today with something he found in the garden and he said : " This is for you. So you won't forget me when you have to live somewhere else from mom'."
I nearly cried.

I look forward to go to work again, because at least they appreciate me there. Oh yes, I went to that meeting, and it was not that bad after all. It was a little bit strange to me because I don't know that much about food etc. So I learned a lot. And a lot of things surprised me. Now I realise that I'm only a part of the chain of people who make sure that the patients get their food. It's kind of fascinating.

anyways,
I think I will go to bed now,

xoxo
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Dear you, Jag vet att min blogg var inte så optimistisk, men jag måste gå vidare, och jag lovade dig att aldrig se tillbaka. Det var svårt de sista dagarna, men jag insåg att jag måste hålla mitt löfte, Det handlar om framtiden nu. Jag måste börja känna mig levande igen, för jag har varit döende inne. Jag önskar jag hade någon här ställa några råd, eftersom jag ibland inte kan se ljuset längre. Men det kommer att bli bättre. Jag lovar.

Åh älskling, du vet inte hur jag längtar efter att åka tillbaka till Sverige med dig. Även om det bara var för en semester. Kanske vi måste köpa ett lite hus där, eller bara en lite husvagn. Ett ställe att gå till när allt blir svårt. Our own little paradise, wouldn't it be great ?

I am kind of worried about the meeting this wendsday. I have to represent my colleagues there but I feel like I will not be able to. I know the most people there, but all the bosses will be there, even the big boss of the hospital. What if I say something wrong ? I'll be the youngest person there ! I don't know if I'm able to take this responsability. But on the other side, my self-confidience will grow, 'cause they believe in me. They trust me, they believe in the fact that I will do a good job there. My doctor also said that I should not be afraid there. She told me that I need this kind of stuff to work on myself. Well, maybe she's right, and maybe it's good for me. But I wish she could take my nerves away.

xoxo
EnVansinnigFlicka

Älskling, jag önskar du var här, bara ha kul, inte tänka på någonting. Tömning mitt huvud, tömning mina känslor. Det är verkligen vad jag behöver.

Dear world,
PLEASE stop challenging me.
Give me room to breathe
I'm suffocating
Don't mess with my feelings.
Just let me be...
PLEASE ???

I wish I could run away and hide myself from all the pain, all this mess. I know it's my own fault to let him get closer again, but I can't say 'no' to him. It's like a game; whenever we come closer, I push him away, even though I don't want to. It's so wrong to feel this way, I should erase him from my mind. He has a family to take care of now. I don't have to be a part of his life anymore, in fact I SHOULDN'T. I know how much it has hurt me to know that he cheated on me. I shouldn't let him cheat again. I shouldn't get closer to him. I can't do this to his wife and child. I can't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't !!!
He makes me insane.

                                 

anyways, I keep myself happy with the fact that I will see YOU again.
I miss you so much,

xoxo
EnVansinnigFlicka

Hello world,

It's a rainy day, grey and not warm at all. I'm really curious to see if it's really going to get 27 degrees this weekend.

Today I went to the doctor, and I actually just came home. Trough the rain ofcourse. The song 'monsoon' automatically popped up in my head xD
This afternoon, I'm going to work, not really to work there but teaching a girl xD It's nice, 'cause I don't need to do anything at all. Just giving instructions xD

And I'm missing YOU and Sweden very much. I really long to go there again with you someday, and I'm going to do whatever's possible to make it happen !

LoveYou

xoxo
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I'm just going to put a poem here today.
I wrote it this night, I don't really where it's about, but the words just came to me.

Standing in the rain

Scars become wounds again

Moving on the line

pretending to be fine

I recognise your eyes

looking through a wall of lies

Losing self-control

as you try to reach my soul

temperatures are rising fast

loves like this won't last

you're driving me insane

so go out of my way

let me break free tonight

After all I'll be allright



Oh, by the way, I took pictures of the city I live in, Antwerp. I hope you enjoy them !!!

xoxo

EnVansinnigFlicka 

I'm back :)

Hello everybody !

Here I am again ! I've been away for a while because my laptop didn't work anymore. But I got a new one, so I can write again. There has happened a lot in the period that I didn't write. A lot changed for me, and I'm glad that I have a new laptop to change my mind a little :) .

I was ill the past days, I had an ear-infection. But I went to my work anyway... otherwise I think too much about stuff I shouldn't be thinking about.

I don't remember if I have told you something about my ex. But he cheated on me and after we broke up, he started a relationship with that girl. She got pregnant. And the day after Easter this year, my ex boyfriend told me that his son was born. At the moment he told me that, my world broke down. When I was with him, I always dreamt of getting children with him, building my life with him... But I broke up with him, and now I have the feeling I was wrong. It hurts like hell. But I can't turn back time. It's three years ago since we broke up, but he still means a lot to me. He was my first love...

Anyways, I have promised you to only look forward, and I really do my best :)

One day we will meet again <3

Love you and always will <3
xoxo EnVannsinnigFlicka

Don't want to face the world today

Have you ever felt bad ? Like you want to stay in bed for the rest of the week and not facing the world outside ?
It's the feeling that I have right now. The world outside looks so dark. Like it's warning me to not to go out. And I don't want to either. But I have to go to work later.

I've been to the doctor yesterday because of the pain in my head and cheeck. And she told me that I have a cyst in my cheeck. When it doesn't go away by itself, then it's going to turn into an operation. My luck. She gave me something so my bleeding noses will probably stop. She also gave me medication against my depressions. It helps me to feel more or less the same each day. So I won't have this rollercoaster of feelings anymore.

I'm also dreaming about living alone. Having an own life and being able to make my own decisions. I have the feeling like my life is still ruled by my parents, even though I'm almost 21. Maybe it's normal because I'm still living home, but on the other side I wish that they let me feel like I'm becoming an adult now. I know they hate it that I work, they always wanted me to study. I am not the daughter they ever wished for. But I am kind of happy with my work. I'm happy to not to go to school because it asked a lot of energy from me. But they don't understand. Or they just won't understand.

Anyways. I have been complaining enough for today !

I will write again soon

xoxo
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Weekend...

I haven't written in a while because my headache is just too bad. I know I should have gone to the doctor but I decided to wait until next week. Because maybe it's just nothing and maybe my headache goes away as sudden as it came.

This weekend I have to work. I won't have any day off until next weekend. It's good because next weekend it's my birthday. Not that I'm going to celebrate it or that my family is even going to notice it. But I am going to surprise myself with a nice day shopping on my own. After all the pain in my head I think I have earned a day shoppig xD

Outside it's stormy weather and it's raining. Not really nice weather to go outside. Or to walk through. But I have no other choice. But I will be working so I am not really going to be confronted with the weather for that long XD

I'm going to make myself ready to go to work.

Auf wiederhören !

xoxo
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But I know there's sunshine behind the rain and I know there's good times behind that pain

Goodmorning !

I still have a terrible headache, I did not sleep tonight. My mother is angry because I did not go to the doctor. But I'm so tired and I did not have the strength to get up that early.

I need to work today. I hope I will be able to work. Because my head is going to explode, that's the feeling that I have right now. And it's raining outside. Our snowman in the garden is almost totally melted. But it's really warm for the time of the year. Almost like spring !

I'm not going to spend that much time at my computer today because it's not really good for my headache. So I'm already going to end this message here. I need to go to work soon anyways. I'm thinking about going a little bit earlier to be able to shop a little, but I will see if I feel like it. Because right now I only want to sleep or take some medication to stop the pain in my head.

xoxo
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Det är bra att tårarna aldrig visa i regnet

Today I have a day off, and actually it’s good because my whole head hurts like hell. I couldn’t sleep this night because of my bleeding noses and my headache seemed to get worse every second. Maybe it's because of stress.

It's sunny outside but also cold. I had planned to see a friend of me today, but she seems to be disappeared. She doesn't answer my messages and doesn't pick up her phone when I call her. So obviously she doesn't want to see me. Don't know why. It makes me really sad. 

She told me that I was her best friend and nothing was ever going to change that.

I don't know what's happening around me. 

Why is life so hard ? 

xoxo

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If these walls could talk,
You’d know about my fears,
About all those nights I screamed for help,
About all my fallen tears,
You’d know about the demons haunting me at night,
 

You’d be able to help me keep my fire alight.
 

Only if these walls could talk.

I’m here, can’t you see me ?

Yesterday was a terrible day at work. There is a new girl, pretending that she is the boss and she is driving me crazy, already from the first second I saw her. She had a lot of comments on everything. I don't really care and I let everything come over me. But inside me, I was really angry on her.

And today I woke up with a terrible headache. I feel tired and I have bleeding noses again. Can't keep my eyes open. And I probably have to work with that girl today, so that's going to be funny at work.

Tomorrow I have a day off. Normally I was going to see a friend of me, which I haven't seen in a very long time. But she does not answer me, so I guess I will stay home tomorrow, doing nothing. The 'sales' started yesterday, but I don't like shopping on my own, and since nobody wants to come with me, I will stay in front of my computer. Somebody asked me to write a book. So maybe I can start with that since I love writing.

I also think I'm falling in love, I can feel the butterflies again at least. But the person I love, is already together with somebody. So I think I'm probably in love with the wrong person again. But I meet that person everywhere. Mostly on the bus; but the last time also at my busstation, and yesterday in the city I work in. And I'm sure that this person has seen me yesterday, even though I tried to hide myself because I became red.

But anyways; I'm not hoping for anything. It's just nice to have this feeling, it makes me think about something else for a while

I'm sitting across from you
And dreaming of the things I do
I don't speak you don't know me at all

xoxo
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invisible - but so close

I promised you to never think about the past again and to focus on the future. And I'm trying. But sometimes it's hard when everything around me makes me think about the past.

I am really happy that I have to work today, it gives me some distraction of the things that are happening.
J. told me that I am still registrated in Sweden, so if I want, I can just go back there and I can start a life there. Maybe it's the best thing to do for me. Because I don't really see a future for me here. And I feel tired of fighting. I have to struggle through the days. I don't count for my parents. They want me to study, they want me to go to university. But I like my job, even though I know I should get a fulltime. I like the people there. But when I think of Sweden, and everything I could have had there, I feel sad.

Maybe we should try to get a future there instead of Germany :) I miss Sweden so much. If they never influenced me here, if they did not have been so hypocrite, I would have gone back and I would have a life there now. I would have been a Swedish citizen (which I'm still a little bit) and I would have found my luck there.

And I miss you like hell. I wish we could have fun again, have picknicks in the park, walking around the city; doing crazy stuff... just forget our troubles. Because I know that you are probably also going through hard times. And I wish I could be there to make you feel better. But even though you can't see me, doesn't mean that I'm not by your side :)

xoxo
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Another day, but the same feeling.

Hello world,

The sun is shining, and it's actually nice outside.

But in my heart it's still raining. I feel so sad. I don't know if I ever will be able to smile again. My parents still don't understand me. It's hopeless to talk with them. I tried to write letters before. But I don't know if they have ever read one of them.
I get so sick of all those argues, all the disputes. Can't they just see that I want to be somebody too ? I'm also trying to find my place on this world, just like everybody else. And yes, I might have more problems with it than the average people. And my heart breaks everytime my parents say hurting things. But they seem to not to care.

They are angry now because I went to sleep so early at Silvester, and because I did not smile or say anything that day. But how can I smile when inside me everything is crying ? How can I pretend to be happy when I'm broken ?  How can I say something when I know that nobody is really listening ?
My parents think I wanted to hurt them with my behaviour, but that's not true. And I can try to explain it to them, but I don't. I know they won't understand.

I spend a lot of time in my room those days. I comfort myself with music and happy memories. Hoping that it all get better one day

xoxo
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A New Year

Yesterday it was Silvester. But I did not enjoy it. I went to sleep early and did not notice that a New Year started. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t feel what I’m supposed to feel. Outside it's dark, rainy and cold. I hope it's not the way the New Year is going to be. 

My grandmother is here and she is going to stay until tomorrow. She came to me at night to wish me a Happy New Year but I don't remember. I was probably already half asleep. I even did not hear the firework. 

Today we are going to have a dinner together and afterwards my brother is going to read his letter for the New Year. And we give presents.

For the rest it's going to be a day like every other day. Exept the fact that I don't need to work today. But I need to work next weekend. But I don't mind. The people I work with are really nice. 

Anyways, 

Have a Happy New Year everybody 

xoxo
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