When it hurts the most

I can not longer pretend like it doesn’t hurt.

My ex wants to meet me, but he is going to be father in a few months...

Ofcourse I told him that I should not see him. But sometimes my heart longs for him. After everything he has done to me, he has still that special place in my heart. It’s probably because he was my first real boyfriend. And my first relationship. I’m trying to stay away from him because it’s going to hurt much more when I see him.

It was always my dream to get children and to get married, and just knowing that he has all this things with the girl with who he cheated on me, hurts like hell.

Anyways. Yesterday was a day like every other day. I did not do anything special. I just went to work, came home, ate something and went to my room.

This night 2011 will start. I hope my dreams will come true, and I hope the new year will be better than last year. Also for you, because I know that it’s not easy to walk through life sometimes. But I hope you go on and never let yourself down. And I am going to do everything to meet you again <3

Looking back on the months gone by,
As a new year starts and an old one ends,
I contemplate what brought me joy,
And I think of my loved ones and my friends.

Recalling all the happy times,
Remembering how they enriched my life,
I reflect upon who really counts,
As the fresh and bright new year arrives.

And when I ponder those who do,
I immediately think of you.

Thanks for being one of the reasons I'll have a Happy New Year!

 xoxo

       EnVansinnigFlicka

something about love

Hello world,

Today is a sunny day, the snow is totally gone, and something inside me has broken too.
At work, everybody keep asking me if I have already a boyfriend, and ofcourse I have to say 'no' everytime. And then the questions come : "why not ?", "Don't you want one ?" etc
Ofcourse I want to feel love again, ofcourse I want to feel the butterflies again, but love is so much more than just having butterflies in your belly.
I'm already three years single now, after a relationship of almost three years. It was my first and only relationship. But I never, ever want to get hurt so much again. Everybody around me saw what was happening, they even warned me, but I did not want to believe them. And it hurted so much when I finally saw the truth. And from that day, I closed my heart. But maybe one day I find that person who's worth opening my heart for again. We will see what the future brings.

For the rest it was a day like every other day. I went to work, came home, had dinner (on my own), watched television and went to sleep. Tomorrow it's already the last day of this year. A year in which happened a lot. Some of those things are memories, safe inside my heart, and others are things I have erased.

Anyway, I lost myself in time. I have to hurry to my work,

Auf wiederhören

xoxo
      EnVansinnigFlicka

Parfait

One moment - so tense and nice 
One moment - to look into your eyes 
One moment - we were together
One moment - an imprint to last forever 
One moment - there was nothing I could say 
One moment -  you took my breath away

One moment - ten minutes - they passed so fast

But this moment was meant to be

and will somehow 

forever

last 

 

 This is a poem, written by me on the day after my magical moment. 

xoxo 

      EnVansinnigFlicka

Hang on, better times are coming your way

Hello world,

I did not write yesterday, I’m sorry for that. I did not have time. I only went for 5 minutes on the computer because I woke up too late.

But I did have the time to read your blog. And I feel a little bit worried about you. I know that people can hurt. And I know that they can bring us down, but you are strong ! You’ve already been through so much, so hang on. There are better times coming your way. Never give up your dreams because they are worth fighting for. And one day, they will all come true.

I have been to my work yesterday. It was not very interesting there. Most of my colleagues did not really speak to me because they felt ill or were tired. When I came home, I ate something, watched some television and I went to sleep.

And actually I slept really good. The last few days I slept without waking up one single time. It’s weird because in the past I always woke up at least twice a night because of nightmares; but they seem to be over. I really cross my fingers that they will never return because I hate them. I always have nightmares about losing the people I love in a war. And I hate it because those dreams are so ‘real’. When I wake up it always takes a while before I realise that it was just a dream. I hope those dreams will never return.

Something else then ... 2011 is coming up and I made a list of the ten things I want to reach in this new year. I almost did everything of my list of last year. On top of my list for 2011 I’ve written : meeting you. And I am sure that it is going to happen since I am going to do everything I can to see you again. And this time I don’t care about my parents. They can throw me out of the family or whatever, I don’t care.

After all, 2010 was a year that I will never forget. One of my biggest dreams came true, very unexpected, and I still put a lot of strength out of it. 

 xoxo

       EnVansinnigFlicka

Wenn du die Welt nicht mehr verstehst, und jeder Tag im Nichts vergeht...

Christmas passed by, it was nice and we had a white one for the first time in years. My grandmother came to our house and she stayed here three days.

But now the Christmas atmosphere went away, the disputes began again and I feel lonely. I don't really know what to do anymore. I know that I'm not like other girls from my age, and I also know that I sometimes hurt people with my weird reactions but my head is full. You know, I already wrote that I build walls around me to protect myself of being hurt again. But at night, when I'm alone, those walls fall down and the emotions I've been erasing all day, come to me twice as hard. Some people say that words don't hurt, but it's not true, they are sharp as knives and they leave no visible wounds, but they leave wounds on your soul. It's worse, so much worse.

I know that I'm not the perfect daughter, I'm not the daughter my parents wished for. I don't study anymore and I'm ill. My parents still haven't accept that last one. It was also not easy for me to accept that my mind works different than the other people, but I have to live with myself. I have accept it, why can't my parents? Why won't they even try?

I feel lost. I really feel lost. I am scared about the future, because I don't know if I can make it on my own.

I wish that you were here. You understand me because we are kind of going trough the same. Except that you are building on your future and I am just waiting to get started.
Oh, I hope I can see you soon because I miss you like hell.

Sometimes I think back about that very special day. 25 / 02 / 2010, the day I met Tokio Hotel, the day that I had a meet&greet. I am sure that they probably say it to a lot of fans; but after I went on the picture with them, they said something to me : 'PARFAIT'
I put a lot of strenght out of that word these days, just because it reminds me that I am perfectly imperfect. I should not forget that I am who I am, and maybe it's not perfect for everybody, it's perfect for me, and for the few people in this world who actually love me.

They say it’s just a cycle
That my body’s going through
Can’t slow it down, turn it off
What’s a girl to do?
Countless sleepless nights
Hundreds of pills I have took
Many friends I have lost
Many lives have been shook
I can’t change the past
Sometimes times I wish I could
If I had a time machine
In a heartbeat I would
Erase all the heartache
Believe me I would
Change my diagnosis
If I would I could
But I can’t
So I just wander through life
But sometimes I wonder
Is the pain worth the prize?

xoxo
      EnVansinnigFlicka

A wonderful Christmas everyone !!!

Another day, another month, another year

Another smile, another tear, another winter

and summer too

but there will never

be another you 

May lovely, happy times

Decorate this time of the season 

May warm, special memories brighten your New Year

may the Wonder of Christmas be with you forever 

xoxo 

      EnVansinnigFlicka  

 

Snow, snow, more snow... is it ever going to stop ???

Snow Snow Snow Snow Snow Snow Snow 

Yesterday when I came home from work, it already started snowing. But who would ever have thought that it would be so much ?  

I love snow, but not today !!! There are no busses anymore because the bussdrivers can't get on their work, the streets are in a bad condition and they expect more snow. It's a catastrophe !!!! 

I am trying to keep an eye on the website and I hope that the busses will start to drive soon. Otherwise I have to walk to work. And tonight we celebrate Christmas. I don't want to miss it but if it's going to snow more, then I guess I am not going to be able to get home before midnight. And I really have to go to work. 

update : 

I just read on the site that the busses in Antwerp are starting to drive again, so I hope I don't have to walk to work !!!

 

And you said that I was naive...But I thought that I was strong

All the songs we used to sing, they used to tell us everything.
All about how it was never meant to be.

____________________________________

A lot has happened the last days. A lot of things that turned my life upside down, so I didn't feel like going on the computer. 

1. My ex-boyfriend makes me feel confused. His girlfriend is pregnant and he still wants to meet me. I don't know how to react. I don't love him anymore, but he was my first boyfriend (also the only one I ever had) and he still has a special place in my heart. Sometimes I wonder how it would have been when we never broke up and I was the one who was pregnant now...  

                                                            

2. Yesterday I went out with a friend. I was really convinced of the fact that I didn't have to go to work. But my boss called me to tell me that I had to work. She was a little bit angry. And I started to feel very guilty because I should have known that I had to go to work. But I'm feeling so confused these times, I don't know what's going on with me. I have the feeling like my head is full.  

     

3. And then as usual, the problems at home. I know that I'm not like the others of my age. I work parttime, I don't go to school anymore, I almost never go out with friends, ... but that's me. I don't feel like doing those things. Okay, I miss friends, I miss people who love me for who I am, and I miss  having fun. But I am used to the feeling of being lonely. I'm used to be alone. I learned to accept myself the way I am. I wished that my family could accept me too. They don't realise it, but sometimes their words cut as knives. And a lot of them left deep scars.  

I wish that I have an own life, without people taking decisions for me all the time. I want to make my own decisions and I want to be independent. I want to have a family on my own and showing the world that I can do something good.  I don't want people to have judgements of what they heard from others, but I want them to see that I can actually do things on my own. I want them to say : 'oh, she is not the person I thought she was' 

I want to be somebody. I want to be worth something. And I don't want to be judged before people know me for real.

I have to go to work in a few hours. I don't really want to because I feel terrible and confused. But I will try to make the best of it I guess. Let's see if this day is going to bring something good. 

xoxo
     EnVansinnigFlicka                                            

 

So much snow outside ! I went out for a walk yesterday. I know that I did not planned to go outside, but it was so beautiful with the snow that I just had to go outside. 

It makes me think of Sweden a lot. And however I like being with my family (sometimes), I long to go back there. I long to spend a Christmas there, with you. But my parents won't let me go anywhere near Sweden. 

They are scared. I understand. But it was their own fault that I left. If I had stayed, I don't know what was  happened with me. 

But let's not think about that right now. I have to go to work this week. If I can get there at least xD There is so much snow, so I don't know if my busses will be able to drive. I don't really feel like walking because then I would be walking for more than 2 hours. (Especially in this snow, because for some reason it's hard for me to walk in it xD)

I don't really know anything to write anymore. But I have a lot of pictures which I will put here. I took them on my walk yesterday :D 

 Our Chinese snowman in the garden 

 The Christmaslights on our house 

 A street in my city 

 Also a street in my city 

 A park in my city

 The park again 

 And this is me xD 

 It says : forbidden to enter the ice

 The park again 

 and again

 and again

 and again

 and again

 Me in the snow

 the park

 and again 

 the road

 also a road (with me in the front xD)

 a road

 the stairs to the train 

 my shadow in the snow 

The trees next to our house

xoxo 

      EnVansinnigFlicka

Snow is falling, all around me

Children playing, having fun 
-----------------------------------------------------------------

It seems like it's never going to stop snowing. This night another 5 cm fell and I guess it's not over yet. Maybe there is going to be a white Christmas !!!

Yesterday was amazing. I had a nice evening. A friend and me went to Antwerp. She needed some Christmaspresents so we first went to the shoppingstreet. I have never seen so many people there. It was like whole Belgium had planned to go out yesterday. Even though it was cold and dark, a lot of people were in the shops. When we finally got through the shoppingstreet, we decided to eat something and we went to a famous Italian restaurant where we ate some pizza. When we were warm again, we left the restaurant to go the Christmasmarket which was beautiful with all the lights and the snow, all glittering in the dark. It lightened up the night. A Santa was giving presents to the little children, others were ice skating near the water and there was a lot of animation. We walked down the streets and went back to the place where the big event was going to happen. Suddenly it started snowing a lot, and it got colder, so we did not stayed long at that place and we went to the bus very early. There we saw some thousand people dressed as Santa, running to the streets, it was an action from a newspaper. 

Today I am not planning to go outside because I am still frozen from my trip yesterday. I am going to stay inside, watch the snow falling from my window, underneath a covering. It's nice to do nothing sometimes. Tomorrow I have to go to work again. I have to work 4 days next week and then it will be Christmas. 

I wish I could spend this Christmas with you. That will be the best thing ever. Maybe one day we will be able to. I miss you so much.

So just because you're
Far away, don't think
For a moment that you're forgotten.
I'm thinking about you because loving thoughts travel far,
And wishing you a very Merry Christmas and a New Year
Full of wonderful things.
Wish we could be together.

xoxo 
      EnVansinnigFlicka

This night it has snowed even more !!! It's exactly the same weather as one year ago, when I came back from Sweden.

This evening I am going to Antwerp with a friend. It's nice to do something like that. Then I feel a little bit less lonely. There is a big event in the city => 'Music For Life'. With a lot of famous artists who are going to perform. I am going to take a lot of pictures from it, and from the city, which is going to be beautiful with all the christmaslights !!! After all those months it's gonna be the first time that I am going out with a friend again. I hope it's going to be a nice evening.

Yesterday it was very funny at work, I laughed a lot. It's really weird that I actually still can find the courage to laugh after everything. I feel kind of depressed these period of the year. Just because I miss Sweden and you so much.
But I always feel a little bit sad with Christmas. I don't know why. Maybe because there is always something missing in my life to make it perfect. And I long to the times when I was little, when my grandfather and grandmother were still alive and everything was better. Life wasn't so difficult and complicated as it is now.

 

I have a beautiful song to end this message with : Välkommen Hem - E.M.D.

 xoxo 

       EnVansinnigFlicka

This morning when I woke up and looked outside, the whole world was covered underneath a few centimetres of snow. So beautiful. 

I already woke up very early because there is a boy working on our bathroom. There are some problems with the water, I don’t know exactly which problems. So for now I am just waiting until he is gone, so I can finally dress myself and take a shower. And I still need to have breakfast xD I don’t really want this man to see me in my sleeping clothes because he might think there is a zombie walking around xD He might call the ambulance xD

You know, this night I have already been awake for a few hours. I almost got a heart-attack ! My poster of TH (that's hanging above my bed) fell down, right on my head ! I was dreaming about heavy storms and tornado’s so I kind of thought that I was stranded in one of them. Terrible! I was really scared xD

Yesterday I had also a little discussion with my parents ( as usual). I really want to go on a holiday in Sweden, just to remember me of all the beautiful things that I had there. But they don’t let me go. They are afraid that I am going to stay there. They don’t realise how much I am missing that country. They told me that I can travel to all possible countries in Europe, but nowhere around Sweden. It’s sad that they don’t trust me anymore but I guess it’s my own fault and it’s going to be hard to ever fix it. But I don't regret my stay in Sweden. It made me realise what's worth living for and it gave me a taste of what life can be. 
I also have a lot of discusions with them about work. They think I need to look for a fulltime job but I don't know if I can handle that. I mean, I am so scared of being hurt by people again so I put on a mask whenever I go outside. I build walls around me, just to protect me. I know I shouldn't because it makes me very lonely. And I push away people.
It asks a lot of energy to live through each day like this. And I feel depressed a lot, just because I want to be myself but something in me wants to protect my heart from being broken again.

Anyway, I took a few pictures of the snow xD 

xoxo 
       EnVansinnigFlicka 




UPDATE  


I was kind of curious to find out if my dream about the tornado had a meaning, so I looked on the internet and I found this : 

"Tornadoes and cyclones in dreams function primarily as warnings that one's thoughts, way of being, or emotions are spinning out of control."

It's a little bit funny when I look at what I wrote above xD

Yesterday I found out that it was exactly one year ago since the last time I saw you. At that moment I was convinced of the fact that I was gonna see you a week later again. But that day never came. And now we both live on an other side of the world. More than thousand miles away from eachother. I was listening to the song 30 minutes of T.A.T.U when I realised all this. I always think of you when I hear this song. I still remember that I heard it for the first time when I was on the bus with you on the way to the house of your aunt  You let me listen to it. ( and to some japanese songs too xD)
I don't know if I ever told this. But I have a little book where I write in some sentences that people say to me. So I have always something to remember me of nice days, it's a little book to feel better. And there is also a sentence of you in it, something that you told me on the day that we were walking around Stockholm to find TH xD. I still remember the place where you said it. On the water, a little bit before the bridge we had to cross to go to Grand Hotel.

< After the darkness the sun will appear again >

xoxo
       EnVansinnigFlicka

Wednesday, 15th december 2010

Picture-time !!!! xD

 

 

This are some pictures of the snow two weeks ago. It was beautiful outside. But the snow melted. And now it's raining outside. But they said that there might come more snow this week. I love it !

 

This is a picture of some cookies I've made. They were supposed to be 'peperkakor' but for some reason they did not really look and taste like it. But they kind of tasted good in a weird kind of way xD

 

The presents underneath the christmastree. I bought them all for my family. Except the one with the red paper and the white letters on. That's a present I bought for myself xD 

 

Our christmastree !!!  

this are pictures of the city where I work. It's a beautiful city. 

This were the pictures for today. The rest will probably follow soon.

Yesterday it was another busy day at work. It's almost hard to believe that so many people can get ill at the same time xD But it's nice work. Sometimes heavy, but nice. Espacially the feeling that you actually can mean something to people. 

It's probably going to be also very busy today. I am already looking forward to the weekend. Normally I have to work two weekends each month but this month I don't work any of them. It's sometimes nice to be at home too. Especially in this time of the year, when it gets dark early and when it gets colder. 

For now I am going to end my blog here because I have to make myself ready to go to work. 

Auf wiederhören !!! 

xoxo

       EnVansinnigFlicka

Tuesday, 14th december, 2010

Yesterday was a terrible day. I didn't buy the christmaspresents and I got way too late at my work. And this all because of a stupid action by the busdrivers. So I waited almost one hour in the freezing cold before the bus came.

At work there was a lot to do. When it gets colder there are a lot of people getting ill and when you work in a hospital that means a lot of work. I felt like it was never gonna end. When I finally could go home, I was tired. It even took me a while before I realised that it was actually snowing. When I came home I ate a little bit and I fell asleep xD

But today is a new day and I am going to get to work two hours in advance so I will be sure that I have the time to buy that christmaspresent and my cd of TH xD

I am already totally in the christmasatmosphere. It's so nice. It's the only day on which people are nice to eachother. It's probably a little bit hypocrite but I love it anyway. I hope it will snow on christmas. That will make everything more magical. People are putting lights on their houses and it's so beautiful when I come from work and see all those little lights shining in the dark of the night. I love it.

One day I will celebrate this day with my friends, I don't have many of them but the onces I have are all from different cultures and it would be so nice to bring them together and celebrate christmas.

I have not that much time left to write more today since I am going to work much earlier. But I will be back tomorrow with more news xD

xoxo
       EnVansinnigFlicka

Monday, december 13th, 2010

Today is the start of a new week.
I am going to buy the last christmaspresent for my family today, a present for my little brother. I have already bought presents for my grandmother, sisters, father and mother. So only my little brother has to wait until this evening to see his package laying underneath the christmastree.
The presents for my friends have to wait until next week, then I have a day off to shop as much as I can xD

I also have to go to work today. And before I go to work I will pass by the music shop to buy the Best Of album from Tokio Hotel. I will put it underneath the christmastree for myself xD Just to have something to look forward too.

The weather is beautiful outside, only a little bit cold. It might snow again this week. I love snow. It makes me think about Sweden, about the last time that I saw you in Islandtorget. I can't get this day out of my head. When you walked down the stairs I was convinced of the fact that I would see you again after christmas.
But it never happened. And until now I can only dream of the day that we will meet again.

We will meet again my friend,
A hundred years from today
Far away from where we lived
And where we used to play.

We will know each others' eyes
And wonder where we met
Your laugh will sound familiar
Your heart, I won't forget.

We will meet, I'm sure of this,
But let's not wait till then...
Let's take a walk beneath the stars
And share this world again

 xoxo 

         EnVansinnigFlicka

Welcome to my blog

A short history

August 2010, Stockholm ( Sweden).

I lived already a few weeks in this wonderful country when I started to feel a little bit lonely. It was time to meet new people, new friends. So I logged in on a swedish TH site.
And I found that friend. It was the beginning of a real, warm and beautiful friendship. It all felt so good and I got the feeling that I had known her already my whole life. We had amazing times together, picknicks in the summer, we chased our favorite band in the streets of Stockholm and we had a lot of fun.

Sweden is now laying far behind us and we are both on two different places, building our future. Both on another side of the world, separeted by an ocean. But she is a part of my life and will always be.

I dedicate this blog to her. So she will know what I am doing and how I am.

Jag älskar dig och jag kommer att ser dig igen, förr eller senare, det är säkert

 

xoxo
           EnVansinnigFlicka