Don't want to face the world today

Have you ever felt bad ? Like you want to stay in bed for the rest of the week and not facing the world outside ?
It's the feeling that I have right now. The world outside looks so dark. Like it's warning me to not to go out. And I don't want to either. But I have to go to work later.

I've been to the doctor yesterday because of the pain in my head and cheeck. And she told me that I have a cyst in my cheeck. When it doesn't go away by itself, then it's going to turn into an operation. My luck. She gave me something so my bleeding noses will probably stop. She also gave me medication against my depressions. It helps me to feel more or less the same each day. So I won't have this rollercoaster of feelings anymore.

I'm also dreaming about living alone. Having an own life and being able to make my own decisions. I have the feeling like my life is still ruled by my parents, even though I'm almost 21. Maybe it's normal because I'm still living home, but on the other side I wish that they let me feel like I'm becoming an adult now. I know they hate it that I work, they always wanted me to study. I am not the daughter they ever wished for. But I am kind of happy with my work. I'm happy to not to go to school because it asked a lot of energy from me. But they don't understand. Or they just won't understand.

Anyways. I have been complaining enough for today !

I will write again soon

xoxo
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Weekend...

I haven't written in a while because my headache is just too bad. I know I should have gone to the doctor but I decided to wait until next week. Because maybe it's just nothing and maybe my headache goes away as sudden as it came.

This weekend I have to work. I won't have any day off until next weekend. It's good because next weekend it's my birthday. Not that I'm going to celebrate it or that my family is even going to notice it. But I am going to surprise myself with a nice day shopping on my own. After all the pain in my head I think I have earned a day shoppig xD

Outside it's stormy weather and it's raining. Not really nice weather to go outside. Or to walk through. But I have no other choice. But I will be working so I am not really going to be confronted with the weather for that long XD

I'm going to make myself ready to go to work.

Auf wiederhören !

xoxo
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But I know there's sunshine behind the rain and I know there's good times behind that pain

Goodmorning !

I still have a terrible headache, I did not sleep tonight. My mother is angry because I did not go to the doctor. But I'm so tired and I did not have the strength to get up that early.

I need to work today. I hope I will be able to work. Because my head is going to explode, that's the feeling that I have right now. And it's raining outside. Our snowman in the garden is almost totally melted. But it's really warm for the time of the year. Almost like spring !

I'm not going to spend that much time at my computer today because it's not really good for my headache. So I'm already going to end this message here. I need to go to work soon anyways. I'm thinking about going a little bit earlier to be able to shop a little, but I will see if I feel like it. Because right now I only want to sleep or take some medication to stop the pain in my head.

xoxo
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Det är bra att tårarna aldrig visa i regnet

Today I have a day off, and actually it’s good because my whole head hurts like hell. I couldn’t sleep this night because of my bleeding noses and my headache seemed to get worse every second. Maybe it's because of stress.

It's sunny outside but also cold. I had planned to see a friend of me today, but she seems to be disappeared. She doesn't answer my messages and doesn't pick up her phone when I call her. So obviously she doesn't want to see me. Don't know why. It makes me really sad. 

She told me that I was her best friend and nothing was ever going to change that.

I don't know what's happening around me. 

Why is life so hard ? 

xoxo

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If these walls could talk,
You’d know about my fears,
About all those nights I screamed for help,
About all my fallen tears,
You’d know about the demons haunting me at night,
 

You’d be able to help me keep my fire alight.
 

Only if these walls could talk.

I’m here, can’t you see me ?

Yesterday was a terrible day at work. There is a new girl, pretending that she is the boss and she is driving me crazy, already from the first second I saw her. She had a lot of comments on everything. I don't really care and I let everything come over me. But inside me, I was really angry on her.

And today I woke up with a terrible headache. I feel tired and I have bleeding noses again. Can't keep my eyes open. And I probably have to work with that girl today, so that's going to be funny at work.

Tomorrow I have a day off. Normally I was going to see a friend of me, which I haven't seen in a very long time. But she does not answer me, so I guess I will stay home tomorrow, doing nothing. The 'sales' started yesterday, but I don't like shopping on my own, and since nobody wants to come with me, I will stay in front of my computer. Somebody asked me to write a book. So maybe I can start with that since I love writing.

I also think I'm falling in love, I can feel the butterflies again at least. But the person I love, is already together with somebody. So I think I'm probably in love with the wrong person again. But I meet that person everywhere. Mostly on the bus; but the last time also at my busstation, and yesterday in the city I work in. And I'm sure that this person has seen me yesterday, even though I tried to hide myself because I became red.

But anyways; I'm not hoping for anything. It's just nice to have this feeling, it makes me think about something else for a while

I'm sitting across from you
And dreaming of the things I do
I don't speak you don't know me at all

xoxo
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invisible - but so close

I promised you to never think about the past again and to focus on the future. And I'm trying. But sometimes it's hard when everything around me makes me think about the past.

I am really happy that I have to work today, it gives me some distraction of the things that are happening.
J. told me that I am still registrated in Sweden, so if I want, I can just go back there and I can start a life there. Maybe it's the best thing to do for me. Because I don't really see a future for me here. And I feel tired of fighting. I have to struggle through the days. I don't count for my parents. They want me to study, they want me to go to university. But I like my job, even though I know I should get a fulltime. I like the people there. But when I think of Sweden, and everything I could have had there, I feel sad.

Maybe we should try to get a future there instead of Germany :) I miss Sweden so much. If they never influenced me here, if they did not have been so hypocrite, I would have gone back and I would have a life there now. I would have been a Swedish citizen (which I'm still a little bit) and I would have found my luck there.

And I miss you like hell. I wish we could have fun again, have picknicks in the park, walking around the city; doing crazy stuff... just forget our troubles. Because I know that you are probably also going through hard times. And I wish I could be there to make you feel better. But even though you can't see me, doesn't mean that I'm not by your side :)

xoxo
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Another day, but the same feeling.

Hello world,

The sun is shining, and it's actually nice outside.

But in my heart it's still raining. I feel so sad. I don't know if I ever will be able to smile again. My parents still don't understand me. It's hopeless to talk with them. I tried to write letters before. But I don't know if they have ever read one of them.
I get so sick of all those argues, all the disputes. Can't they just see that I want to be somebody too ? I'm also trying to find my place on this world, just like everybody else. And yes, I might have more problems with it than the average people. And my heart breaks everytime my parents say hurting things. But they seem to not to care.

They are angry now because I went to sleep so early at Silvester, and because I did not smile or say anything that day. But how can I smile when inside me everything is crying ? How can I pretend to be happy when I'm broken ?  How can I say something when I know that nobody is really listening ?
My parents think I wanted to hurt them with my behaviour, but that's not true. And I can try to explain it to them, but I don't. I know they won't understand.

I spend a lot of time in my room those days. I comfort myself with music and happy memories. Hoping that it all get better one day

xoxo
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A New Year

Yesterday it was Silvester. But I did not enjoy it. I went to sleep early and did not notice that a New Year started. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t feel what I’m supposed to feel. Outside it's dark, rainy and cold. I hope it's not the way the New Year is going to be. 

My grandmother is here and she is going to stay until tomorrow. She came to me at night to wish me a Happy New Year but I don't remember. I was probably already half asleep. I even did not hear the firework. 

Today we are going to have a dinner together and afterwards my brother is going to read his letter for the New Year. And we give presents.

For the rest it's going to be a day like every other day. Exept the fact that I don't need to work today. But I need to work next weekend. But I don't mind. The people I work with are really nice. 

Anyways, 

Have a Happy New Year everybody 

xoxo
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