Wenn du die Welt nicht mehr verstehst, und jeder Tag im Nichts vergeht...

Christmas passed by, it was nice and we had a white one for the first time in years. My grandmother came to our house and she stayed here three days.

But now the Christmas atmosphere went away, the disputes began again and I feel lonely. I don't really know what to do anymore. I know that I'm not like other girls from my age, and I also know that I sometimes hurt people with my weird reactions but my head is full. You know, I already wrote that I build walls around me to protect myself of being hurt again. But at night, when I'm alone, those walls fall down and the emotions I've been erasing all day, come to me twice as hard. Some people say that words don't hurt, but it's not true, they are sharp as knives and they leave no visible wounds, but they leave wounds on your soul. It's worse, so much worse.

I know that I'm not the perfect daughter, I'm not the daughter my parents wished for. I don't study anymore and I'm ill. My parents still haven't accept that last one. It was also not easy for me to accept that my mind works different than the other people, but I have to live with myself. I have accept it, why can't my parents? Why won't they even try?

I feel lost. I really feel lost. I am scared about the future, because I don't know if I can make it on my own.

I wish that you were here. You understand me because we are kind of going trough the same. Except that you are building on your future and I am just waiting to get started.
Oh, I hope I can see you soon because I miss you like hell.

Sometimes I think back about that very special day. 25 / 02 / 2010, the day I met Tokio Hotel, the day that I had a meet&greet. I am sure that they probably say it to a lot of fans; but after I went on the picture with them, they said something to me : 'PARFAIT'
I put a lot of strenght out of that word these days, just because it reminds me that I am perfectly imperfect. I should not forget that I am who I am, and maybe it's not perfect for everybody, it's perfect for me, and for the few people in this world who actually love me.

They say it’s just a cycle
That my body’s going through
Can’t slow it down, turn it off
What’s a girl to do?
Countless sleepless nights
Hundreds of pills I have took
Many friends I have lost
Many lives have been shook
I can’t change the past
Sometimes times I wish I could
If I had a time machine
In a heartbeat I would
Erase all the heartache
Believe me I would
Change my diagnosis
If I would I could
But I can’t
So I just wander through life
But sometimes I wonder
Is the pain worth the prize?

xoxo
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