And you said that I was naive...But I thought that I was strong

All the songs we used to sing, they used to tell us everything.
All about how it was never meant to be.

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A lot has happened the last days. A lot of things that turned my life upside down, so I didn't feel like going on the computer. 

1. My ex-boyfriend makes me feel confused. His girlfriend is pregnant and he still wants to meet me. I don't know how to react. I don't love him anymore, but he was my first boyfriend (also the only one I ever had) and he still has a special place in my heart. Sometimes I wonder how it would have been when we never broke up and I was the one who was pregnant now...  

                                                            

2. Yesterday I went out with a friend. I was really convinced of the fact that I didn't have to go to work. But my boss called me to tell me that I had to work. She was a little bit angry. And I started to feel very guilty because I should have known that I had to go to work. But I'm feeling so confused these times, I don't know what's going on with me. I have the feeling like my head is full.  

     

3. And then as usual, the problems at home. I know that I'm not like the others of my age. I work parttime, I don't go to school anymore, I almost never go out with friends, ... but that's me. I don't feel like doing those things. Okay, I miss friends, I miss people who love me for who I am, and I miss  having fun. But I am used to the feeling of being lonely. I'm used to be alone. I learned to accept myself the way I am. I wished that my family could accept me too. They don't realise it, but sometimes their words cut as knives. And a lot of them left deep scars.  

I wish that I have an own life, without people taking decisions for me all the time. I want to make my own decisions and I want to be independent. I want to have a family on my own and showing the world that I can do something good.  I don't want people to have judgements of what they heard from others, but I want them to see that I can actually do things on my own. I want them to say : 'oh, she is not the person I thought she was' 

I want to be somebody. I want to be worth something. And I don't want to be judged before people know me for real.

I have to go to work in a few hours. I don't really want to because I feel terrible and confused. But I will try to make the best of it I guess. Let's see if this day is going to bring something good. 

xoxo
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